Archive for June, 2009

My Heart

June 30, 2009

Why is it such a struggle to determine if your heart has the right to feel a certain way? Maybe most people don’t struggle with this at all. I know I certainly do. My heart sometimes gets heavy over certain things, situations, people and words, etc., but I go over and over with myself do I have the right to feel this way???? I mean you hear that you can’t help how you feel, but can you? I struggle with this all the time. Whether it is getting hurt with how someone may treat me or how someone speaks to me or how they speak about me. Yes, I feel hurt and even sometimes mad! Then the process starts, I start thinking of it and I wonder am I too sensitive? Have I done something to deserve those words? How can I learn from this?  It is very rarely without much thought that I say— Jennifer you HAVE this right to your feelings! Why is that? I know some people that as soon as they have been wronged or hurt they speak up and I think that is great! I don’t, unless maybe it is someone that I am extremley close to (like a sis, brother, husband, or child) and sometimes I say too much. Sometimes, my words cut deep and then I feel horrible. I guess in my case it is good when I have to think about my feelings….Ugh why can’t their be a guide book that says Ok if someone does or says this you HAVE a right to your feelings and it is OK to _____ or ______.  But there are no guide books that have every single situation. 

I am really working on my realtionship with God and I know He will guide me without fail. Honestly though, it does get confusing–is that you God or is that me filling myself with these feelings? I guess they best thing for me to do is really pray and ask God to open my heart and mind to Him. I pray for revelation on His words and truth.

Jenn

Happy Father’s Day

June 17, 2009

HAPPY FATHER’ S DAY!!!!

 

I lost my step-day on December 27, 2008. His death came pretty quick and unexpected. Although I am not sure if any of us are we capable of “expecting” our loved one to die. I think our heart always carries hope. Hope that things will change or get better.

He is not here for me and my family to spend the day with him, so I found a card that I will put on his grave. It was hard to find one that was appropriate. Most of the cards said wishing you a relaxing day or something like that. The one I found simply read, ” Across the miles—–It’s hard being so far away, but I hope you know you’ve made our family life so much richer by being a part of it… and you’re being thought of with love today.”  Perfect! As I was writing inside the card, I started listing all the things I miss about him. I decided I wanted to post this in a blog so that 10 years from now I will NOT forgot all these things.

Dear Roo,

I miss you every single day! I miss getting to talk to you- even when you were “grumpy” lol  (P.S. you never scared me)  I miss your laugh. I miss they way your eyes lite up when your grandchildren walked into the room.  I miss coming over on Sundays and seeing you outside washing the cars. I miss the way you would blame me when you were being bad–even if I was out of town, you would say Jennifer did it.

I miss the way you would sneak and give Devan anything he asked for even when I said NO. I miss the way you loved me.  I miss the way you loved Derrick, Devan and my mom. I miss the way you truly loved your son. I miss the way you became a father to Derrick, you took him under your wing and taught him so much. I miss your fudge. I miss getting to fuss at you for eating candy and things filled with sugar. I miss being with you in Gatlinburg. I miss having you to call when I have a question about anything especially regarding my car. I miss going shopping with you–you always made me laugh, you are very hard to keep up with in a store.  I miss walking in the house and hearing your music playing and seeing you sitting at the kitchen table. I miss pulling in the driveway and seeing you in your swing.

I miss hearing you yell “Yo Adrian” when you embarrassed mom as she tried to run away from you. Or this one is a peterbuilt. Believe it or not I even miss finding little play spiders in my bed. I miss waking up to a horrible scary creature standing in my doorway chuckling. I miss you chasing me around the house with cave crickets. I miss you greeting me with ” Hey baby!” I miss seeing you ride Devan around the yard on your John Deere tractor when he was a baby. I miss your gentle voice. I miss seeing you play softball and hearing everyone call you “Big Cheese”. I miss being tossed around in your van. I miss your truck–Booger! I miss seeing you run after “naked man”  across the street when he kept flashing me and my friends. I miss you cutting my toenails, b/c if I did it myself they would become ingrown. I miss our dinner together at the Melon Patch. I miss you coming to stay  at my house.  I miss your huge generous heart. I miss you dancing with mom in the kitchen. I miss getting to hug and kiss you. I miss Devan having a papaw that thought he hung the moon. I miss your steaks. I miss hearing you asking for Juuuicce. I miss your stubborness. I miss your independent spirit. I miss seeing you with food all over your clothes. I miss seeing you in your colts jersey. I miss the way you love cherry flavored anything. I miss seeing you watch a scary movie.—it would crack me up. I miss walking in and catching you watching cartoons. Oh my goodness how I miss your contagious laugh. I miss sneaking you in red velveet cake at the hospital. I miss Christmas after all gifts were opened you would come out with me, Meredith and mom a special gift of jewlery just from you. I miss hearing that beautiful pray you prayed in the hospital that gave me the peace I had prayed for know I will see you again.

Most of all I miss having my daddy here with me. You may not have been my biological father, but from all that you did for me–I think it makes you more than a step-dad, it definetly qualifies you for a daddy. Thank you so much for being such a great dad to me and Derrick and an amazing papaw to Devan. Thank you for loving my mom so much! Thank you for taking on 3 small bratty children. I LOVE YOU RANDALL ALLEN GRAHAM, SR. —forever and ever. I will see you again one day. I promise! God’s grace has allowed it.  I am not mad at God for taking you from us, I am grateful to God for taking you home with Him. He is the lucky one and so are you! You will be missed for the rest of my days!!!

Love your baby girl,

Jenn

 This is from my husband Derrick.

Randall,

I miss you more than you’ll ever know. I miss having you there to guide me when I have a problem or I’m working on the cars or just need to vent to someone. You’ve been a father to me and that’s meant more to me than I could tell you. You took me under your wing and made me a man’s man.  You were a friend, dad and my dude, as I am yours. I know as men we don’t say it enough but I love and miss you so much.  You don’t have to worry because i will take care of your babies the best I can or should I say the way you taught me to.

Love you,

Derrick

This is from my son Devan.

Papaw, You couldn’t believe how much I miss you and think about you all the time.  I miss everything about you. I miss fishing with you and daddy. I miss your pancakes and bacon. I miss all the great times we had together.  I miss how you would let me watch t.v. when I was grounded…LOL 🙂  The times I shared with you are times I wouldn’t trade for the world. I love you Papaw and I’m really looking forward to seeing you again.

Love, Devan

This is from my nephew Bradley.

Papaw,

You have no idea how much I miss you. I think about you everday and miss you, and one day I hope to see you again. I miss you!

Love,

Bradley